We were walking, side by side, when someone I love deeply asked me how I got myself out of a dark hole during my high school years. With a deep breath, I started spilling my heart out the whole time wondering if anything I was saying would resonate. “Please God let this make sense to this person”, is all I could think. At the moment, my only focus was to get them to see my side because if they did, it might save them.
The person I was speaking with is currently struggling themselves, possibly more than I ever did, especially internally. On this four mile walk, a lot of questions were asked, hard and personal ones that I answered as honestly as I could because my gut feeling said a lot was at stake. Before I get into how I answered, let’s go back in time and give you a little history on myself, especially if you are new to my story.
I played and excelled in soccer growing up. From the early years of grade school that was my passion and what I was great at. I’ll always believe it was a gift given to me by God which I guess explains why I was so so angry with him when it was taken away. My Scoliosis was discovered when I was in sixth grade. Of course, the devastation was the first feeling that seeped into my body but I still continued playing with the dream I would make it big. I would play in college and on to professional. In my heart, I knew it would happen and be my future. High School came around and I made varsity as a freshman. To say that year flew by would be an understatement. Scouts started reaching out to me during my freshman year and it lit a big fire under my butt! This was it, I’m going to my dream college with a soccer scholarship! Onto Sophomore year I went with every intention of blowing it out of the water. During my first practice, I tore the ACL in my right knee and it went downward from there. I rehabbed with the goal of making the most epic comeback ever and re-tore the same knee my very first game back. I’ll never forget when I collapsed on the field. I knew immediately what had happened. I cried out in pain, screamed “God Damnit” and crawled off the field. Yes, I legitimately crawled off and refused help from my teammates. My dream was crushed and I was out Junior year which was the most important year to prove yourself to the college scouts. That’s where my soccer dream died, right there on that field.
Something I came to realize about myself is that I’m pretty good at faking I’m okay. It’s a defense mechanism so I continued on with my life despite the physical obstacles I was enduring. Of course, I experienced happy moments during this hard time as well. Internally though I struggled a lot due to the physical obstacles I was experiencing. On top of getting my ACL repaired my scoliosis curvature was getting worse despite my best efforts with a back brace. After my appointment with the spine surgeon, it was set that I would be having Spinal fusion surgery after my Senior year of High School ended. Essentially, I just started to feel that my body was wearing down and failing me.
Constantly I would ask God,
“What did I do that was so terrible to deserve this?”.
“Why did you take away the one good thing I excelled at and loved?’
“Are you even real”
(I sound pretty dramatic, huh? Didn’t I understand I could have had it way harder? High School Rachel did not, Current Rachel is like “girl, it could have been way worse!”)
Teenage years are hard. Truly some of the hardest years for me not just physically but emotionally. I was outraged with God and blamed him for all the things I had to go through my four years of high school. How could he take away something that was such a big part of my life and my future? I just did not understand it. On top of that, I started to despise exercise. How could it betray me? I viewed it as the enemy along with God.
Let’s jump forward in time back to when the person I love so much asked me how I got out of this deep hole. How did I start to love my body again, repair my relationship with God, and learn that exercise was not the enemy. I started to focus on the comeback I would make. Every single time I got mad or just plain sad I would remind myself of how sweet that comeback would feel.
“Every setback is a setup for a comeback. God wants to bring you out better than you were before.”
To whoever is reading this, if there is anything I want you to take away from this blog post, it is that the comeback is so epically sweet, my friend. I get chills just thinking of it. When I was struggling, I started to imagine myself not as 18 but in my mid 20’s. What kind of woman would I become? Would I hold the same feelings of anger and resent? I mean that’s just plain unhealthy. My soccer dream was dead but a new dream was born. My new goal in life was to inspire others that comebacks were possible. My comeback was not to be able to do what I once did, which was play soccer. No, it was to not want to become a victim that just ruled out all exercise completely. The goal was to show that despite hard physical obstacles, I would obtain a healthy body and most importantly become a happier person. A kinder person. I envisioned being able to help young kids who struggle with Scoliosis as I did. I envisioned athletes coming to me about ACL injuries, devastated, and I would know exactly how to empathize with them because I knew how hard it can be. Honestly, I envisioned just overall being able to help others overcome hard physical obstacles they had endured, period. Those thoughts got me through the hard days. Any resent I had towards God turned into gratitude. I can say that at the age of 25 I am extremely grateful for every single physical injury and emotional teardown. If I could go back in time and change a single part of the hurt, I would not. Not a damn thing.
“I’m thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn’t have stumbled across my strength”
Imagine yourself turning a terrible situation you are in, into a learning lesson that you can eventually help someone else with. On our walk, I told this person that once they are out of their dark hole, the roles will soon be reversed. One day they will be walking alongside someone else who is struggling terribly, and they will be the one explaining how amazing their comeback will be. They will explain how life is worth living and they will find their zeal once again. It will not be instant – Some days will be harder than others but you just have to show up my friend, every. single. day.
If you are going through physical struggles let me just be clear, Exercise, itself, is not the enemy.
When we get injured we feel the need to throw the blame at someone or something. I blamed exercise. I soon came to the realization that it was not the enemy, just the way I was exercising was. I was a marathon runner and participated in half ironmans. Hardcore workouts are what I thrived on. It became clear that if I continued to work out this way I would damage my right leg even more and it just was not worth it. I said bye bye to the long mileage and started to swim laps more consistently. Did I grow up swimming? No. I watched YouTube videos and then threw myself into the pool and hoped for the best. Now, I LOVE it. Do I still run? Maybe once every two weeks a short distance. Do I play soccer? I do not, but I can still get over 300 juggles – boo ya! Yoga has also become my best friend and has benefited my body so so much – especially the flexibility in my back and the tightness in my right leg. Never in a million years did I think I would become a yogi, let me tell ya. Fitness is still a major part of my life but I adapted to what my body can handle.
If you injured yourself doing a sport you love and you feel resentful. I get it and I’m so sorry. You have to understand that exercise can still remain a part of your life but you have to be open to trying different forms of it. You have to learn to adapt and do what’s best for your body.
I’m going to be very transparent. I believe everyone goes through a challenging period in their life. I do not believe for a minute that there is a single human on this earth that does not go through a hard time, ever – some people are just very good at hiding it. If you are in that time right now, I hope you know it will get better and that there is a light at the end of the tunnel. When your thoughts start to wonder to a dark place, try to remind yourself of your comeback. You do not have to stay in that dark place, my friend. It will take time, it will take a lot of faith in not just God but yourself, and it will take patience. I promise you it will be worth it when you are able to turn around and help someone who is going through the EXACT same thing you went through. I can not begin to tell you how good it feels. It makes you realize that there was a reason you went through that hard time.
When someone tells you “it could be worse”, believe them.
There is nothing more annoying than being told that life could be harder when you, yourself, are struggling. It’s the last thing you want to hear but it’s true. Unfortunately, the world does not stop for your grief and someone out there is struggling ten times more than you. I use to remind myself on the daily that the very thing I was complaining about, someone else would offer to endure that in a second. I still think about it often when I find myself frustrated about something.
My thoughts in high school were consumed with how uncomfortable my back was just sitting at my desk at school. I would quickly correct my thoughts and remind myself that someone would take this Scoliosis in a second. Maybe a person who couldn’t walk period and was confined to a wheelchair. They would take Scoliosis without hesitation if it meant they could walk! Then my mind would wander to how messed up my knee was. I would again, correct myself because someone without a right leg altogether would take my tender, fragile right leg in a heartbeat. I started to actually believe it could be worse (because truly it could) and that was a game changer. Once I realized this and accepted it, my negative thoughts turned into plain gratitude.
To whoever is reading this, maybe some of what I wrote has resonated with you. I really hope part of it does and that you know you are not alone. If you are going through a challenging time, I’m so sorry. But I want you to know this is not the end but most likely a beautiful beginning. The trial you are going through is going to make you stronger. When the time comes for you to take that pain, turn it into something good and help another person struggling you will realize how it was all worth it. Oh my god, it is so beautiful to see everything come full circle. Just you wait and see. You were given this life because you are strong enough to live it. The comeback is always stronger than the setback.